Barbara
Benjamin
Interview
An Interview with Susan
"Until about age 12, it didn't seem to affect me. But, it was
around 12 when I began having recurring dreams that were very disturbing. As a
matter of fact, I still have them. hen as I became more sexually aware, I realized that
something was different about me, but I wasn't sure what. I liked boys, but if
a guy liked me, I'd run away from him.
There was a feeling a fear and I didn't know why."
This is an interview with a girl named "Susan." I am not
using her real name to protect her identity. Susan is now in her mid-twenties.
About five years ago a repressed nightmare she had suffered in her past began
to emerge into her consciousness. It was the nightmare of sexual abuse when she
was very young.
I chose to do an interview about childhood sexual abuse because I
was stunned to learn how many children are molested. Statistics show that one
in five female and one in eleven male children are
sexually abused at least once. Tragically, the results of the abuse reach far
into the victim's adult life.
Sexual molestation is a horror I can only imagine about.
Fortunately, it never happened to me. However, I have learned that many women,
and men, close to me were molested as children.
My purpose is to understand what effects childhood sexual abuse can
have on the child's adult life. I think that many people, like myself, don't understand how difficult it is for someone to
overcome this very frightening experience. It was a taboo subject in the past.
It's only recently that it has come into the open.
A few years ago, a woman accused her ex-husband of sexually
molesting their young daughter. The story drew national attention because the
woman chose to go to prison rather than to allow her young daughter visitation
with her ex-husband. The Father vehemently denied the accusation.
A spouse's accusations of child molestation tend to be seen as
mud-slinging by people involved in a bitter divorce. The accusations aren't
given much attention. Unfortunately, it is difficult to prove this kind of
accusation. For that reason, it's easy to use as slander. It's an accusation much
like rape. Who do you believe? For this reason, it often goes unreported even
when one parent (or another adult) knows it's going on.
Even more tragically, a child doesn't know how to tell
anyone. They are often too young to comprehend that sexual contact with them is
a wrongful act. More often than not, the molester is someone the child trusts,
like a father, a brother, an uncle, or a grandfather. (Women are also child
molesters, but this is much less common.) So, the child is frightened and
confused.
When Susan was about 12, she began to have recurring dreams that
frightened and haunted her. The dreams were always about her grandparents
house. In these dreams a man would be trying to get into the house. The house
had many doors and windows, and she would run frantically throughout the house
trying to lock them all so he couldn't get in. These dreams persist even to
this day.
In high school, Susan had the same teenage crushes as her
classmates. If she knew that a boy liked her, though, she experienced an
inexplicable fear and ran from a possible encounter. Her friends didn't react
the same way, so she knew there was something different about her. She
eventually did go out with a couple of boys.
However, if the boy tried to be affectionate or kiss her, she became nauseous and
wanted to get away. She rationalized her
fears and attributed them to a variety of reasons.
In college Susan fell in love. But the intimacy of that
relationship caused anxieties far more intense than she'd experienced before.
She wanted affection and intimacy from her boyfriend, but the intimacy brought
on horrid bouts of fear. At times she became frigid and couldn't stand to be
touched in any way. She became nauseous to the point of wanting to vomit.
Obviously, these reactions were creating havoc with her relationship.
Then Susan began to experience flashbacks. The flashbacks came during intimacy and
were indescribably powerful. She said there was nothing specific, like a place,
a person, or an action. Nonetheless,
there was no doubt in her mind what they related to. One of the times she experienced a flash of
red, perhaps a piece of clothing. She said it was like someone had stuck a
picture in front of her face. She had an immediate urge to vomit. These
flashbacks confirmed in her mind what had happened to her.
Since she couldn't say exactly what happened, with whom, or when,
she also had difficulty comprehending it. Regardless, she just knew it had
happened. For some reason she suspected her Grandfather. This feeling caused
her terrible guilt because she had no specific recollections that it was
actually him. She was accusing someone when she couldn't even say for a fact
that anything had happened. But where did these awful feelings come from? She
had no answers.
Susan tried talking with her boyfriend about it, but he had a hard
time dealing with the subject. She finally talked to her Mother about what she
suspected. Her Mother took her to a
therapist who specialized in sexual molestation. After spending time with Susan, the therapist
talked with the Mother. According to the
therapist, Susan's experiences were common among women who have been molested
as children. The child often represses
this kind of experience because it is so traumatic. It usually comes out when the girl is in her
early twenties or thirties. And sadly, it often leaves emotional scars.
In Susan's case, she may never know who it was, exactly what or
when it happened. If she was molested at a preverbal age, the memory of the
incident(s) would have been on an emotional level. This is unfortunate because
for her, it will always be unsettling about what happened and who did it. She
has only a strong sense that it was her Grandfather, and possibly her Father,
or both. For her, suspecting them brings guilt because she has no proof.
Susan spent a while in therapy. She said it was very difficult for
her to talk to the therapist. She cried
at every session trying to come to terms with her feelings. For a period, she experienced an inner anger
that she describes as rage. The anger was not towards anyone in particular, but
towards everyone. It was a rage she
didn't know how to get rid of. She learned through counseling that this, too,
was a common feeling with victims of sexual molestation.
The therapist told Susan that there were three ways the body
remembers repressed events:
·
Visually
·
Emotionally
·
Physically
Susan's experience was physical. The body knew and responded to
certain touches that triggered responses, for example, feeling sick and not
wanting to be touched. It's similar to shell shock in that the mind blocks out
visual memories when it can't handle the events that are occurring. So the
information comes out either emotionally or physically. The visual memories
come out only when the mind is ready to handle the information.
The events had a strong impact on Susan's relationship with her
boyfriend. He felt that her anger and problems with intimacy were his fault.
Sometimes Susan took him to counseling with her so he'd know that it wasn't his
fault. He still had a hard time accepting and comprehending what she was
feeling and why.
I asked Susan if her experience still affected her relationships
with men. She said there are still times when she can't stand to be touched.
She would always explained the situation if this ever happened. However, the guys' responses were usually
unsympathetic. They've told her that she should forget it because it's now all
in the past. They weren't empathetic and didn't try to understand or appreciate
the long-term affects of an experience like this. So rather than understand what she was going
through, they made her feel guilty. After that, the unsympathetic indifference
would begin to erode her trust in her partner.
As a result, the relationship would begin to fall apart.
I asked Susan if she was afraid to talk about her experience. She said she was uncomfortable but she wasn't
afraid to discuss it. She agreed to do
this interview because she knows there are women who are afraid to deal with
this subject. She wants them to know
that it's OK to admit it and to talk about it.
She wants them to know there is nothing to be ashamed of. Many women feel guilty because they feel they
must have been responsible in some way.
They believe they should have prevented the incidences. Susan wants them to know that it wasn't their
fault. A child couldn't possibly
comprehend the nature of what was happening to them then.
Susan stresses that in talking about this, she doesn't want
pity. Rather, she wants sexual abuse of
children brought into the open. Also, if
anyone knows this is
happening to a child, to do something about it.
Don't cover it up or deny it to protect the perpetrator. The damage done to the child is irreparable
and will leave emotional scars that last a lifetime.